raya

dear daisy,
lately i'm experiencing fatigue and loss of appetite. twelve hours of sleep doesn't seem enough.

yesterday i came across this petronas ad at youtube. it was about a son who went back to kampung for hari raya but had to stay overnight at the town because of internet connection only available at the town. shockingly he, the single son in this story left his single mom all alone in the night of hari raya for work. maybe the feeling of hari raya wasn't there because there was nobody around except the mother. but that is not the excuse. raya is the time for family get together, no matter how small the family is. i wonder, what has become to "family ties" in our society. most advertisement nowdays potray that these days the so called cutting edge youngsters are so busy with life and don't bother to spend quality times with own family. it is a sad thing.

i am not eligible to criticize, i am no body to tell others what is right and what is wrong in celebrating hari raya because i had spent my all seven hari raya in a row in the absence of my family, for being afar. i miss my family a lot. seriously i do. i've been thinking a lot about it. this is enough. there is more to life than living so academically. i never was more intelligent than others, instead i feel more failure by day. like wise. enough is enough. i'll wrap up everything as soon as i finish writing my first journal.

given a chance, i'd like to celebrate this coming hari raya with my family and husband in home, sweet home. i already booked a ticket for tomorrow's flight, however the tax is unbearable, it almost as the much as the price of the ticket. so for that reason, i am where i am now, at nice, stupid playground trying to finish manuscript that due tomorrow.

it has been a challange moment being a pregnant mom, especially working in the lab, struck in hari raya emotional syndrome and experiencing huge fatigue while chasing the manuscript dateline.

i wish my self well, selamat hari raya.
thanks.

raya

dear daisy,
the weather yesterday was a bit chilly. it was the first sign of autumn, the beginning of melancholy season. however, i always love green. green is the color of me. green represents me.

my pregnancy was confirmed six weeks. from an ultrasound image, it shown that the baby is just as small as peas, approximately 1.5 cm long. it was cute anyway.

i kind of missing my mom so often lately. we talk almost everyday and sometimes twice or trice a day. homesicknesses strucked me badly these days.

green is the color of sampul duit raya.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.
xoxo.

lost of word

dear daisy,
i'm losing word on how to describe my feelings for this coming eid. the truth is i miss everyone back home.

mama and babah.
xoxo.

the amateur marriage

dear daisy,
i'm having nausea since morning, it must be the psychology part. the more i'm trying not to think about it, the more i miss the aroma of arabica. right now i'm just lying and spending my time in front of the idiot box, watching terminator 2.5.

the great part of today is i received a lot of congratulations and greetings. it kind of uplifted my spirit after so many mishap with experiments and his departure. i'm yet not capable of handling things on my own although mr. M always claimed me to be an independent person. i think he doesn't like that and more into cinderella type that wanting to be rescued. i'm actually not that handy nor that fairy tale lady.

i'm just all human with emotional part and full of dramatic effects, like weeping over failed experiment because a rabbit was sacrified.

some people say that it is unimaginable to be at this without his presence. don't try to imagine, i'm living it!

last night me and Mr. M quarrelled over the phone about how immatured we are in this marriage. i always wanted to win an argument and so is he. it was bounded to happen anyway. it was my mistake that i don't listen to his. i told him that i don't usually listen to my mom either, he.. he..

(that was the hormone talking, i wasn't implying that i'm actually a bad daughter or wife but the fuel was burning and the sentence just shoot out)

this is a kind of an amateur marriage. i'm learning part of it.

i like this letter that arrived in the morning. it was from a friend who works with NGO on sustainable water developtment at thailand. last time we worked together for one and half years at unesco building, seoul.

wow congratulations!!! I am really happy for you. I should've explain more about the natural birth control. oh. oh. but I think this is really wonderful. Your baby must have wanted to come out to this world earlier than you planned. hehe cute little thing.

Don't be stressed out for your study. I think you can handle your study well. A lot of women get pregnant while working, so if they can, you can do it, too. but if you feel physically weak, ask other people's help. I think that is your maternal right.

I am going back to Seoul on November or before November.
I will contact you as soon as possible when I am back.

wish me luck, wish my marriage is full of bless. well.. i love my husband

beginning of "what"

goodbye young, stupid, outrageous life. what's next?
dear daisy,
the pregnancy test turned out to be positive. yet i don't know what else to do. i am freak out just like any young mothers. like juno perhaps because i still attend school. this explained why recently i had been so dramatic about life and forth. the hormone was sky rocketing at hundred times than its normal level.

advices from a good friend who is a proof of life that insanity has nothing to do with maternity.

1. quit smoking (a.k.a avoid smoking people)
2. quit wearing high heels. (it means ugg for this winter boots and heck it cost 169,000 won per pair)
3. quit coffee and caffeinated drink. (be careful that there are invisible substances in food that contain caffein)
4. drink milk or take calcium pills (or the baby will steal from the mother)
5. eat more fresh fruits and vegetables.
6. sleep more. (no night shift at the lab)
7. be careful. don't think yourself as a heroine trying to save the world.

that are sweet seven of advices. happy thanksgiving myra. i'm no longer alone in this city of light, crazy beautiful seoul.

moon cake festival

singing james blunt's same mistake, watching p.s i love you million of times.

dear daisy,
it's thanksgiving, a feast to celebrate on the weekend. holiday's mood is somehow not in my dictionary anymore, my interest lost somewhere in the between of work and wanting to finish my study so desperately. i don't know why i am reacting weird and sounded so anguish. it might be the pregnancy thing. well, it yet to be confirmed soon but right now i am all alone in this small room of mine, grieving on my husband's departure since tuesday. i hate to leave the house but i know i have to take a look on those cells at the nice, stupid playground. at this moment, i just want to have some peace on mind.

an excerption from grey's anatomy said that it is an urban legend that holiday season is the time where suicidal rate is the highest compare to any ordinary days which is actually not true because those "prospect" suicidals are less inclined to take their lives when surrounded by the loving ones.

this is my eight ramadhan, my eight times being unable to celebrate any festive with my loving ones. in an ironic probability calculation i might be among those "prospective manic candidate" to be plunged in the bottom of the seas of depression. on the other hand, life must go on. my message is that the holiday festive is not helping either because it is the time for the depression is likely to bloom among solitaries.

i never tried any moon cake in my life. there were a few times that mama brought a few from the office and one day it was annouced "not halal" in the prime news just as i was about to try one. i was angry back then, cursing and tongue slashing to the cake makers about their insensitiveness of "halal" food to muslims. of course at that time, food was not a subject of racial slur that could send someone to be detained at ISA. today, anything could be the subject by that mean.

despite everything, festive season is the season of sharing, togetherness and unity. (basically all carries the same meaning, but the important thing is we should learn to tolerate so that we can cherish this supposed to be happy day)

i love when people call me "moon", especially when babah call me "moon cha-cha". it was kinda cute. among all other nicknames, i love the original name that my parents gave me. they also the first one who called me "moon".

tomorrow is the moon cake festival or the so called chusok, the thanksgiving (not easter). i wish that i can wake up and see the light at outside. i wish that i'm more forgiving and not moody. i have so many wish that yet needed to be fullfilled and in order to do so, i need to move my hips. i just want to say, i love my husband very much. i miss him.


i just failed another immunostaining experiment after almost twenty hours of protocol. it hurts because someone looks at me like a failure! ....but i'm trying so hard.

untitled

dear daisy,
he left on a jet plane. insya Allah i will strive my best to finish what i've started. i never felt this alone. i thought that i will be okay after he left, i didn't think that the feeling is so unbearable.

rnai = rani = irna

"the different between intelligent drug and myself is i can claim myself smarter without getting any recognition"

- confession of amazingly manic but sweet lady.

dear daisy,
in this sphere of frustration i couldn't think of anything else than having a good afternoon sleep which i've been missing since my last trip to homely home, far away in malaysia. my eyes were heavy during the first lecture by prof. lee, who recently found the way to deliver sirna into t-cell by injecting anti-cd7 in a way to treat aids.

i just nodded my head like i was really, really understand all the way although obviously, i was struggling to listen to his lecture.

the prof. lee is indeed a very interesting person i ever known. he has his own way of making fun of his research, just like any other interesting professors that i read in the books. he's the richard feynmann in bioengineering and more or less like mr. homer simpsons for his love of krispy kreme donut.

i just love today. the sun is high and the mood is pleasing. i'm thinking of kuih chek mek molek for today's iftar. i love my husband. mama. babah. abang. kaksu. abeb. didi and iwan.

kaksu was hospitalized on monday's night. hopefully she'll recover soon. insya ALLAH. please pray for my sister.

fasten your belt, fast!

for everyone who misses sagen-dong, this place hasn't change a bit. i was standing at the bus stop.



dear daisy,
an entry to suck my belly underneath this sleazy shirt. i just realize how much i've gained these days though i'm not into extreme weight losing program, i believe it is due to marriage that i've gained. so you think the picture is cute? my husband thinks so. however, i don't think like that, the only reason i pick this picture is because "i'm hungry".

today is the second day of Ramadhan. my routine hasn't change a bit, but my schedule can be flexible and adjustable accordingly to the time i woke up in the morning. my writing hasn't finish, still has loooooooooong way to go. i always thought that writing a thesis was an easy task, not anymore.

the experiment is not even started yet. the cell hasn't proliferate that much to the extend that can be used for studies. i've to wait two or three more days.


the so cute-husband, mr. M.(his new name)

like typical wife mindset, the first thing that comes in my mind right after i placed myself at my crib is "what to cook for iftar". luckily my husband is not the type that very "choosy" in terms of food. he eats everything and he has enormous appetite widely ranging to from continents, cultures and moods. i'm thinking of curry for tonight's. urgh.. maybe salmon with white sauce will do better than curry. i think we had too many chicken this week.


he tried "raw fish" and korean side dishes.

i love being with my husband at this so called metro-city, urban and money quenching arena. we are very poor couple trying to make a living hedoniously on a simple budget. i know one day i've to let him go back to malaysia to earn a decent living, but at this moment, i wish that he stays forever.

reality often hits me back, especially realizing how much that i owe my housemate for her understanding and accepting another company to the half-underground two rooms house. let just put "time factor" decide itself because i can bear myself staying apart from him.


the house, half underground and bit smelly in summer.

eventually this thursday, i'm flying off to cheju island till friday night. we've to decide. stay or not to stay? i'm starting to have a goosebump thinking about it. i know i'm going to miss him for a looooooooooooooong time.

doa

Allohuma robdadoollah
Wahai Tuhan yang dapat mengembalikan barang yg hilang

Wa hadiyadh doollah
Dan memberi petunjuk tentang barang yg hilang

Tahdii minadh doolallah
Memberi petunjuk kepada yg tersesat

Urdudh allaya dollatii
Mohon kembali kepada ku barangku yang hilang

Biqudrotika wal sultonika
Dengan kekuasaan dan kerajaan Mu

Fa inaha min atoika Wa fadlika
Karena barang itu adalah pemberian Mu