dear daisy,
sheffield, wee hours and L.O.V.E, nat king cole
i woke up this morning with a feeling that suddenly the my whole life flashes before my eyes, even in this bilious mood to write and words on the computer screen glow like a coronal mass ejection, which at the same time hurting my eyes - i feel the urge to write something about it, just as a note for future. in case i lose my mind what so ever. or just for entertainment to cure the faint of the heart in derision.
song - oasis - whatever.
i free to say.. whatever i like, if it's right or wrong, it's alright.
always seems to me you only see whatever people want you to see,
i'll sing blues if i want
i always imagine my life in my thirties would be a picture perfect caught at random in sidewalks with a sleek figure and high end suit, better skin complexion than when i was as a student and professional charisma with the size of klcc tower. as it turns out now, i'm still a student, with nothing near to that idealized persona, i believe that spending money on armani suit or calvin klein underwear is such a materialistic propaganda by the capitalists. and if sponsor-a-child-in-africa or sponsor-a-well-for-each-house-program in africa calculations are right, with such money i could build tens or maybe hundreds well and sponsor a village of children to go to school.
nevermind, it is always my husband and my parents who got nice things for me.
say, i am an activist right now 'friends of the earth'. with all greenpeace banners 'no nuclear in malaysia' and hands off our agriculture, GMO producers... with a pulp fiction hippie culture of rebellion..obviously that would be very contradictory to the imaginary of idealized me.
back to reality, i am still a student who dream nothing but her ph.d viva and experiments everyday. there is nothing extraordinary about this life, but a mundane routine full of readings (to get the terms right in biomeds and tissue engineering, also unrelated stuff about why the french loves their technocrats and nuclear energy and genetically modified organisms...to save the world?)
i don't have the arty gleam of what my life suppose to look like in near future, maybe a few kids and become a good mother. but else, i will always try to live with principle and moral value, give love more and to be loved more. i don't want to be too nice to be accepted, after all nice is not a religion, sometimes you've got to give a smack on someone's head for being stubborn and jerk.
.....
in this late autumn-early winter transition, the days and nights seem to blend into each other, the notion of a.m and p.m is becoming obsolete as the sky becomes complete dark at 4 p.m.
ah...i miss my significant other. it is always hard to start any day without him around. told you, i need his pat or some nice cuddle as a jump start.
